I Got Your “Valley” Right Here, Dingleberry

Ever since I moved to the Greater Phoenix Metropolitan Area, I have been listening to dumbfucks refer to the area as The Valley. Nearly every chance I get, I ask these morons why they call it that. Their response is always the same: They look at me like I just asked their grandmother to kiss me French-style and eventually say, “It’s just a nickname…”

  Yeah? Well it’s a stupid nickname. Let’s go over the reasons why we use nicknames, and why this particular nickname is bullshit and needs to stop. First, I do hereby admit that the Greater Phoenix Metropolitan Area is within a valley. However, this does not make it The Valley.

Pejorative: If someone or something is disliked, they are often given nicknames to help to quickly and easily designate them as a disliked entity, while simultaneously stating a reason why they are disliked. Further, a humorous aspect is often added to provide a laugh at the subject’s expense. Examples of a pejorative nickname include things like dumbass, shit-for-brains, etc. An example of a pejorative for a geographic place could be Sioux City, Iowa being referred to as Sewer City, because its meat packing industry often makes the whole city smell terrible. The nickname serves the purpose of identifying the subject, stating that it is disliked, stating why it is disliked, and often gets a laugh. In general, it’s pretty useful. The people calling the Greater Phoenix Metropolitan Area The Valley do not generally mean for this to be a pejorative nickname. They tend to say it with some pride. Further, it does not differentiate this particular place from any of the other thousands of valleys in the world.

Term of Endearment: On the opposite side of the spectrum, a nickname is often bestowed when someone or something is loved or respected. The nicknames are intended to do two things: 1)identify the subject, and 2) explain why the subject is liked or respected.  Old Hickory, The Babe, and Joltin’ Joe are all examples of famous nicknames given to people who society has deemed exceptional. Examples of geographical places with terms of endearment nicknames include The Big Apple or The Big Easy. Even though no one in New York calls their city The Big Apple, and would likely roll their eyes at you if you said it to them, everyone knows what you’re talking about. Reasonable people from all over the world know that The Big Apple is New York and The Big Easy is New Orleans and The Windy City is Chicago. NOBODY outside of The Valley knows that when someone from Arizona refers to The Valley, that they are talking about The Greater Phoenix Metropolitan Area. There are valleys all over the planet, you fucking jackasses. Nobody knows what you’re talking about. 

Directional: If I am in a particular part of, let’s say, the Greater Kansas City Metropolitan Area, and my car breaks down, I can call and get help. In order to get that help, I need to tell people where I am. If I just say, “My car broke down in Kansas City.” They’re going to be looking for a long time. However, I have the magic of nicknames to help guide my friends. I could say any of the following nicknames: Airport, Northland, River Market, Downtown, Midtown, Westport, The Plaza, The Dotte, Truman Sports Complex, Red Bridge, SKC, Bannister, and several others.  All of these nicknames serve the purpose of cutting the giant landmass that is Kansas City into smaller, manageable chunks. Don’t get me wrong, The Greater Phoenix Metropolitan Area has neighborhoods defined by nickname. However, The Valley isn’t one of them. It’s just another term for the entire entity. It breaks nothing into smaller manageable chunks, and is not helpful if one needs to define a specific area.

Abbreviation: People named Robert are often called Bob. This nickname is shorter, faster to say, and easier to remember. In terms of geographical places, most people in the United States know that OKC is a nickname for Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. This one is the closest fit to be able to justify calling The Greater Phoenix Metropolitan Area, The Valley, as The Valley is, in fact, much shorter and more convenient than saying, “The Greater Phoenix Metropolitan Area” all the time. I hear this most often when listening to local radio: “Today in Valley traffic…” or “Weather in The Valley today will be…” Guess what, dumbasses? We know where we are and that we’re listening to local radio. Just say, “In local traffic/weather…” and we know what you’re talking about. What reasonable person would hear, “In traffic, we have a slowdown on Interstate 10 due to an accident…” and think, “HOLY SHIT!!! They didn’t say what city they were explaining the traffic and weather for?! Is this MY city?! I don’t know what to do!!!”

Further, I would be willing to bet that when talking to someone in a national or global context (as in, “I need to fly to Kansas City tomorrow…”), they know that you mean The Greater Kansas City Metropolitan Area, and they are not going to be mad or unfriend you on Facebook if they find out you were actually within the corporate city limits of Liberty, MO. So basically, the nickname for The Greater Phoenix Metropolitan Area is just Phoenix. People know what you mean and it will save you the trouble of wasting another human being’s life by telling the long winded, ridiculous story of how the entire Greater Phoenix Metropolitan Area came to be known as The Valley to people who live there.

Ironic: People who are fat often get the ironic nickname Slim. I can’t think of a geographical place with an ironic nickname. Feel free to help me out in the comments. The short explanation is that since The Greater Phoenix Metropolitan Area is, in fact, in a literal valley, this nickname is certainly not ironic.

I am sure I am going to get some pushback on this. Someone will pop out of the woodwork and slowly explain to me something ridiculous. The whole place is named after Valley Jim or some bullshit that I am ignorant about. As always, I am willing to admit when I am wrong…so please don’t hesitate to tell me the truth or even call me a dumbass. Otherwise, I will continue to refuse to call this place The Valley, and I will continue to think that you’re a moron when you do.

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