When I got a gross fungal infection in my peritoneal cavity, I had to switch from peritoneal dialysis to hemodialysis. When that happened, I had to go into surgery and have my peritoneal catheter replaced with a main-line catheter that went straight to my heart. I also had a fistula installed in my left arm. Once the fistula matures, it will be strong enough to use for dialysis and they can take the main line catheter out. Sadly, it takes 10 to 12 weeks. Man, oh Manischewitz, I cannot wait for that day.

See, I am not allowed to get the main line catheter wet. I haven’t had a proper shower since September 18th. My kickass wife got me these disposable, no-rinse soap-filled sponges, so the only reason I don’t totally stink is sink baths. Actually, I did have one shower. It involved taping a sandwich bag to my chest and showering as fast as I could to get done before the tape got wet and fell off. It was anxiety-riddled and totally unsatisfying.

The weirdest downside to all of this is my left ear. See, I have always been a prolific ear wax producer. For real, it has to be a twice daily wax removal routine, or else I get taters. One time in high school, a guy named Dan followed me around a party stoned, whispering to me how badly my ears needed cleaned. I was ashamed, but I also found it really funny for some reason. Moving to the desert has only made things worse. There is so much sand in the air it’s ridiculous. So yeah, earwax.

So since I can’t shower, my left ear has decided to attempt to grow an earwax golf ball. It’s right at that spot where the thingy on the inside of your ear meets the thingy on the outside of your ear. It’s totally gross and it reestablishes itself hourly. So please, pray for me, and all my filthy grossness.

There. I just wrote four paragraphs on ear wax. Why did I just write four paragraphs on earwax? Because I need the help of true friends. The kind of friends that would read four paragraphs about my earwax and continue reading to the ask. If you’re still here, thank you, my friend. So here’s the deal:

As you probably know, I have a book coming out. As such, there are certain things that need to be done to market it to give the thing the greatest chance for success. The first step is to get a great cover. Mine looks like this:

I like it, and I think it does the job…but I would love to know your thoughts.

The next step is the blurb. The blurb is difficult for me because this book doesn’t fit neatly into a genre, other than a generic humor. It can’t be a veiled self-written positive review. It can’t be too specific. It can’t be too general. It has to be effective at converting lookers into buyers. I spent more time on it than I did the first four chapters, and it’s still not particularly good. If you can do better, I will happily have them slap it on the back of the book. Still, we can check the blurb off the list.

Now comes the part where I need you kind folks. The next step is forming my street team. What this consists of is giving out advanced reader copies of the book for free, in exchange for a few favors. See, the book will be getting what’s referred to as a “wide release”, which basically means that it will be put on any digital or brick-and-mortar shelf that will have it. Regardless, Amazon will be the place where most of my sales will be made. In order to show up on their promotional lists, I need reviews. The more detailed the reviews are, and the more that people vote that those reviews are helpful, the more I show up on their lists.

So here’s the ask: I have a limited number of advanced reader copies that I can give out. If you’d be willing, please put your name and email in the comments of this post, or hit me up on messenger. Once the third and final draft is done, I will email you a .pdf copy for free, before it is released. You will have about 30 days to read the book. Then during the first week after the book is released, please post the most detailed, HONEST review you can muster on the Amazon page. Then copy and paste it to Goodreads and whatever social media you’re willing to share on. It is important that you mention in the review that you got an advanced reader copy, or else Amazon will delete your review. That’s the whole ask.

If you sign up to receive an advanced reader copy, I will send you more links and I’ll be around to answer any questions when the time comes. Until then, I hope your weekend is the dope. Thank you so much for coming on this journey with me.